Sunday, October 9, 2011

Pohjola's Daughter and The Drowning Man

I had no idea, but one of my favorite little cafes is actually date night central on Fridays. I didn't know this because I'm normally there in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, somewhere round about 3 when I almost always have the place to myself. Not only were there more people there, the menu was different so it was weird and kind of exciting all at the same time.

The hostess (another new wrinkle) seated me then shortly looped back around and sat down a glass of ice water, silverware, and told me the waiter would be right over. Wellll, not exactly right over. The place was packed and the staff was slammed, but I didn't have anywhere to be so...what the hell, I waited and took the time to do a little people watching.

It was a really interesting mix; mostly couples my age who probably had sitters at home with the kids, but there was one couple a few seats away that really caught my eye. They had to have been in their mid 80's, the guy had pants up to his armpits and the ol' gal's wig wasn't on quite straight. They were sharing an entree of pasta, duking it out with their forks over who got which meatball. He kept putting just the end of one strand of spaghetti in his mouth at a time, then he'd slurp it in real slow with his eyes wide open, staring right at her. The opposite end would bap him on the nose or the cheek each time and she thought it was the funniest thing. She played footsie with him under the table and kept motioning for him to lean in so she could wipe the sauce off his face. Then he'd go right back into his routine and make another face at her.

Now, I don't hear too good in situations like this. A big room full of conversation along with clanging dinnerware is normally a recipe for disaster for me on the hearing front...what I get is mostly static. But the couple at the next table over for some reason was fairly audible. I kinda half tuned in as the hostess brought over a basket of rolls. This guy was fighting way above his weight. He was trying his damndest to get anything out of his date; something more than just a yes or a no answer. It was the standard battery of questions: where'd you go to school, are your parents in town, what do you do, yadda yadda yadda. His date was dressed in an outfit that would've been perfectly acceptable at a wedding reception...if she was one of the bridesmaids. Really elaborate make-up, dangly earrings and some sort of mock tiara holding her hair up. Our man was in a shirt and slacks combo that made him look like a neck-down model in a five-and-dime weekly flyer.

She wasn't giving him much, didn't seem too keen on asking questions herself, so in an effort to keep the dance going he started in telling more in-depth things about himself. With each story, she rebuffed. He kept shifting gears, trying new approaches, and finally asked her if she liked old cars.

Yeah, classic cars are cool.” she said flatly.

Paydirt. “I've got an old Ford truck I'm restoring in my garage.”

Ew. I don't do trucks.”

I've never seen a guy inflate then deflate so quickly.

As the waiter shoe-horned his way between our tables to take my order, she excused herself to the restroom. After he left I looked over to their table and watched as our man ran his fingers through his thinning hair and exhaled heavily through pursed lips.

I'm drowning over here.” he said, noticing that I was looking his way.

Did you guys just come from a wedding?

No, this is an online thing, I met her here. I didn't know it was going to be formal. This is my best shirt.”




I asked him if he had ever heard the story of Väinämöinen and Pojhola's daughter. He said that he hadn't, accompanied with a rather confused look.

Väinämöinen is the hero in an epic Finnish fairy tale. He's got a big scraggly beard and a magic sled. He's looking for a wife when he gets into this adventure, searching for a stolen artifact that can create just about anything.

Is this going to take a long time? She's gonna be back any minute.”

Are you kidding? You've seen the way she's dressed. Besides, from what I've heard she's probably talking to her roommate, telling her to send a text in a half hour to get her out of here.

Go ahead.” he said.

So he's on this adventure when he runs into Pohjola, the Daughter of the North. She's hangin' out on a rainbow, weaving a gold cloth. Väinämöinen says “hey, you're pretty cute...why don't you jump in my sled and come along on this little adventure with me?” She says she'll only go along if he can do a couple things for her...like tie invisible knots in an egg and make a ship out of her little weaving tools. He thinks “well hell, I'm Väinämöinen, I'll give it a go.” Well, as it turns out he can't tie the knots and ends up with egg on his face, and he cuts himself on his axe trying make the ship. It doesn't take him long to figure out “damn, this is some bullshit...ta hell with this, I'm flying on down the road.”

So?”

So...every fair maiden has a test for her suitor, and that's her right. Just because you're not pushin' her buttons doesn't mean you're a bad guy, you're just not her hero. And you, you just gotta keep on keepin' on till you find yours. Look over there at that old couple in the corner.


"The one with the guy cleaning bolognese out of the bottom row of his dentures in the water glass?”

Yeah, that one. The woman he's with doesn't care. Maybe she loves him because of it, not in spite of it. They fell for each other because of who they are...not who they aren't. And don't think you're the only one havin' it rough. Think of Pohjola's Daughter, sitting up there freezing her ass off on that rainbow. She's waiting, too.




So now what?”

Now, you finish the date. Keep doin' what you're doin', be polite and mind your manners, do the awkward hug at the end...then forget about it.

Aw man, here she comes.” he said, tensing up again.

I told him not to worry, that I'd cover for him.

I started in on the punchline from some old joke; “...and then he says to the guy, he says “rectum?? It nearly killed him!”

Laugh? Our man nearly fell out of the chair.